Confusion

Posted by on Feb 15, 2012 in Confusion | 2 comments

Confusion

“I try to stay in a constant state of confusion just because of the expression it leaves on my face.”   – Johnny Depp

The current state of affairs over here is a delightful melting pot of apathy, lethargy, inertia, confusion, and bewilderment.  Sounds fun, huh?  Yep.  Umm, yeah.  Really.  Not. Fun.

In all honesty, as you know if you’ve been paying attention, I’ve been working at being gentle with myself at this time of major transition in my life.  Sounds like such an paradoxical oxymoron:  Working-slash-being gentle.  Shouldn’t gentle be easy?  Hmmm, gentle should be easy, but gentle actually seems like such hard work.  Why is being gentle with ourselves so hard?

Yes, gentle is hard. But indeed I have achieved some comfort in accepting things as they are.  That’s pretty close to gentle, right?  Accepting things as they are.  And for right now, that means accepting the confusion that is now.  Accepting it so much that I can go out on a limb and say I trust it.  Accepting it so much that I can almost imagine loving it.  Accepting it so much that I will write it a little love note today, Valentine’s Day.

Hello, confusion, my dear love.  Thank you for your beautiful gifts.  You are to me like a murky beautiful swamp.  I am slurping sticky stuck to your mucky muddy bottom as I attempt to navigate your swampy goodness; it is slimy, muculent, delightful.  But the truth is I’ve been thinking that we want different things.  I want sunshine and flowers and clarity.  Gentleness, Valentine’s Day and love.   Insight and passion and full engagement with life.  With you, I always feel like I can’t be free to move in any direction that calls me.  I feel stuck.  I feel hopelessly tied to you and don’t want to be.  I have trouble breathing fully.  And when I’m with you, I find myself more interested in you, the muck, than in the magical air that is calling me forth to my sparkly future.  There is magic happening out there.  I know there is.  But I am stuck in your sticky muck.  I think we may need a break from each other.  It’s not you, it’s me.

Haha.  Right?  And yet, I know the confusion will leave when she is done with me.  The wisdom of her energy is working a number on me.  There is a Rubenfeld Synergy principle that “confusion facilitates change.”  Yes, I want the change.  However, in my current state of confusion, I feel distracted, ineffective, out of shape, directionless, and ugly, oh yeah, ugly for sure.  How does this happen?

I’m not sure, but I am reminded of this beautiful moment from a Synergy session, with me as client, in a state of total confusion.  Several years back.  I was led, somehow by the wisdom of my soul, to the field that is beyond right and wrong.  (Got Rumi, yo? http://bit.ly/sYXZxz)  And there I was, definitely wandering around in that field beyond right and wrong.  “And how is it that you feel?  What do you notice there?” my Synergist asked.  “I feel bewildered,” I replied.  Bewildered, she repeated.  Yes, completely bewildered.  She slowly repeated the word over and over to me and as I heard it time and time again, something happened to the word.  It was like when you were a kid and you would say the same word over and over until it sounded so strange, you couldn’t even be sure it was a word any more.  Bewildered, bewildered, bewildered.  And all of a sudden, I got its beautiful message.   Be-wilder-ed.  Be wilder.  Be wilder.  Be wilder.

Ahhhh, be wilder.  That message resonated deeply into my soul.  Be wilder. Always an interesting counter to confusion.  Be wilder.  I think I will try that tomorrow.  Be wilder.   Be wilder.  Be wilder.  Mmmm, love it!  And as for today, I will say a big thank you confusion for being my funny Valentine.

What emotions are standing in as your Valentine today?  Make friends with them, whomever they are!

 

2 Comments

  1. LOL after reading your post about freedom, I was curious about your other posts and this I read through with a smile and a chuckle as I can totally relate! This is the state I am in and have been for some time now! It makes me wanna cry and scream it’s so frustrating because it’s exactly as you describe, distracted, directionless, ugly, out of shape,essentially, I feel lost! How does one get out of this state after they been stuck in in for so long? :(

    • Rose, as crazy as it sounds, the way out of stuck is to make friends with it. What we resist persists. So invite ‘stuck’ to a cup of tea. Really get to know it, spend some time with it, befriend it, learn what it has to say. Then, it will have the space to move, to let you know what it needs. Sending much love and wishes for MOVEMENT.

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